weekend diversion: what to do when gov't asks for a backdoor

How to have fun with the government when they ask you to put a backdoor into your IoT product:


1. The stone cold poker face. "I can do it, but we're going to need a government contract worth half a million. You do know this is a toaster, right?"

2. The eager acceptance: "For sure! We're only a toaster, but imagine if you knew to the hundredth of a degree exactly how people took their toast in the mornings. Can you imagine what kind of insight that would give you. Look, I'm attaching a thousand pages of logs - and this is just from the toast I had this morning. Wait'll you see my stool!"

3. The paranoid reaction. "You're the exact reason why I always make toast, whether I'm going to eat it or not. I've had to throw away thousands, if not tens of thousands of pieces of bread no thanks to scum like you. Do you have any idea how much pigeon shit there is around my curb? It's a goddamn infestation. Is this the America you swore to protect?"

4. Confuse them. "I've sent you some bread. I trust you'll get it the right party."

5. Alarm them. "Sure, at the moment we have a Sergey or Boris in charge of that government stuff, I can never figure out which one his name is, but I've passed along your information and he said he'll 'take care of' you."

6. Use them for debugging. "Oh uh, I'm like not supposed to talk about this, but you guys were, like, already here and you really messed up. For some reason on the highest setting it doesn't eject properly? Can you take a look?"

7. Do things at government speed. Wait two weeks and send them a "We've received your request and will address it as soon as we are able." Set a reminder to update them.  In 8 months.

8. Tell your customers about how important the privacy of their toast is. Whereas before you didn't have to talk about this, since, you know, you make toasters, start including a 20-page 'Privacy of your toast' booklet with your product. Hopefully this will strike someone as absurd.

9. Have a toast canary, that you feed bits of toast to. Note: this is not related to the government request, canaries are just really cool.

10. Stop manufacturing IoT products and open an artisanal toast bar.



But meanwhile, make it a cover story, a shell company for the CIA. Put up security cameras everywhere and watch the clients roll in. Wonder why you ever got into the toast business.  Start drinking.  Never talk to your kids.

Bon appétit!